All of a sudden you begin to accept the new you and realise how much energy you wasted trying to hang onto the old you. Values have to change and boundaries redrawn. Suddenly you find a clarity, calmness and control.
Having MS is like being able bodied but about 50 to100 times worse. There's never enough time or energy in the day to get anything done. You don't need shitty excuses to leave parties any more. We can park in special spaces at the supermarket and never have to queue in an airport.
You go insane as your disability increases to the point when you clearly need help with the smallest thing. Ability is lost year upon year and you deal with the loss constantly, like constant witnessing of the death of a dimension of yourself. I'm OK with it now. It's like bailing water out of a sinking boat. You just have to keep on with it.
I am the way I am because I'm unwell. Deal with it. I do. Do I want to be unwell? No. Do I want to think like I do? Yes I do want to think like this. Is it worth the trade off? Do I want to be well more than thinking like this? There's a grey and emotional space I don't want to visit.
Shortly after diagnosis It seems I had a defining experience. Defining in the way that I always look back with amazement and laugh. As any MS patient will tell you, going through a lot backwards, with your hair on fire is the only way to learn about what MS is and how it will
screw up your life.
It was early in the morning, dark, cold and I was covered in sweat. Constipation was bad and the pain caused me to pass out mid-shit. Evidently falling off the toilet, I landed on my head, perfectly balanced and wedged nicely between the bath and toilet bowl. The obstruction was still where nature had left it and it wasn't budging. Coming to this conclusion, albeit upside-down, a challenge was set and, in one foul swoop I had worked out how to and executed the action to flip myself back onto the toilet seat while depositing the obstruction in the bowl where it was initially intended. On the job training. Changed my sweaty pyjamas and crawled back into bed. As my Gran would say, "Y'aff to laugh". She was so right.
A more recent shit revealed a way to use Sativex as a lotion. It is a tincture after all and can be used in a variety of methods.
I made 30ml of a diluted cannabis massage oil once. I left it on the corner of the bed, in a bowl, as there was a knock at the door. The dogs were barking at the door downstairs and, to this day, we can't work out how my dog Stanley managed to drink the lot. Poor little guy slept for 3 days. Sorry Stan. I learned and the dog never will.
Putting Sativex in a cream/lotion so I can apply it locally to areas with the most pain. Or, you could do what I did and put 10 squirts of Sativex to about 90ml of Aloe Vera Baby Oil. It was all that was left in the bottle so I thought … what the hell and smoothed it all over. I slept like a baby. At first the Sativex formed into globules but they mixed in with just a shake.
I tried adding a small amount to my bath with the usual scented oils. I found it made me feel very high and a bit weak. You have been warned.
Sativex lotion is mixed weaker, about 40 squirts of Sativex to 300ml of lotion. For me, It's pleasant if applied to a variety of areas. I go for areas with a lot of arteries mostly.
• armpits
• back of neck
• length of spine
• base of spine
• abdomen - easing uncomfortable digestion
• buttocks because it's nice not to hurt when and while you're sitting..
• soles of feet
I'm interested in the effects on CB1 and CB2 receptors and how they may respond to a topical application of cannabinoids. As far as I can tell, it plays a valuable role in cannabinoid absorption. It seems to add to the medicinal effect. Lotion on the back of the neck seems to have solved a problem of muscle collapse on one side of my neck. The problems this caused to my sinuses also seem to be solved.
I'm trying to saturate my way out of this relapse and I'm fairly hard core when considering the amounts of cannabis, in a variety of forms, I enjoy putting in my body. I understand that my body needs massive amounts of cannabinoids and I use the baby oil, lotion, cannabis oil capsules and vaporised raw cannabis. I spend most of my days completely 'messed up' and it's not always pleasant. However, it is worth it and it can be a wonderful escape from an atrocious illness.
Of course I get sick of being high. Reality demands my attendance too and I can understand that most will not appreciate the high. I can't see them having the time to 'feel' reality, only live it.
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| Sativex |
• Sativex makes me thick headed, like I have glue where my brain should be. Makes me numb at the point of application which is no good for someone who already suffers reduced sensitivity.
• Sativex makes me nauseous, causes my sinuses to be inflamed and it seems to not have enough THC. As I feel my muscles collapsing and relaxing, there is a pain that's not numbed, like a cold burning.
• It makes me talk a lot too. This lasts for a short while, maybe an hour and then it fades. Not sure what cannabinoids may be behind this. I have more physical energy for a time also but after about an hour I feel very sleepy.
• Sativex does tend to make me very thirsty too.
I took a spray of Sativex on a supermarket trip. I didn't have good feeling that day and ended up spraying it on my hand and then on one of my teeth. My husband had to tell me I had some illegal substance dribbling from my mouth. Hardly ideal.
Decide to get off the ride yourselves. Don't wait for an illness to do it for you. The push is brutal and the landing cruel and graceless. Believe me, you don't want that. I don't know, maybe a person needs a life changing event to do something like this. It's clear that I did.
The Frank TV adverts always made me laugh. You could play them backwards and it would show a sick person made healthy. It's such a shame how little the public knows about the medical uses of cannabis.
The old me had to go. Personality suicide seems to cause a drag factor despite the importance of the continual shelving of the old 'me'. It's a nasty tearing sensation but it has to be done. The realisation that continually digging the heels in is a waste of energy.
If only it was as small an issue as having your ears pierced or even getting a tattoo. It would be a breaze but this illness effects everything. The way I breathe, the way I blink, the way I eat, the way I shit and piss. It effects everything, EVERYTHING. It's overwhelming and I can't put it more plainly.
I'm a weirdo in the way I handle the pain. MS has the whip hand and I'm constantly challenging it to cause more pain while I try to do the most mundane task. Suffering Sarah has fetish potential and it's paying off. However, vocalising while reaching for frozen peas in the supermarket is not recommended.
"Come on you f*cker! Is that all you have for me today?"
I remember trying something similar when I used to rock climb. More blood, more adrenalin and the view from the top is fantastic and generally followed by copious amounts of alcohol. The peas were nice but the beer was better.
Incidentally, climbing the stairs feels like climbing a mountain. I get to reach a summit several times a day, on good days. My doctor loves to see me. She says I'm the only patient who comes to appointments and smiles. I tell her she knows exactly why while stifling a giggle. I really need to give her an update on Sativex.
As I get better and come out of this relapse, I'm aware of subtle changes in my personality. I feel a lot stronger emotionally and a bit stronger physically. I've been battered but it seems cannabis has been doing it's medicinal best for my relapse and to prevent greater scarring.
Take care of yourself.
